NSN Press Release: Confusion reigns in Waziristan Operations

For immediate release:

SWA, October 23 (NSN): In a bizarre incident, the Pakistani army attacked a training camp in Waziristan only to discover that they were already in charge of the facility. Reliable sources say there is considerable anguish in the army over the incident. "We were watching the Hindi movie Wake Up Sid when the attack happened," said Captain Anwar, one of the injured officers from the camp. "We have been training mujahideen for over ten years in that camp. How can they make such a mistake??"

Describing the incident, Major Junaid, one of the officers who led the charge, said that the army HQ received information about a terrorist training camp from the Americans. They quickly ordered a strike group to stage an attack on the camp. The group was preparing for fireworks very close to the site when they came across a group of tribals preparing to attack the camp with rockets.

Things went quickly downhill as the tribals got excited by looking at red handkerchiefs inexplicably tied to the rifles of all soldiers. "They obviously thought we were another militia coming to attack the camp, as we are all tall, fair and good-looking," explained Major Junaid.

Encouraged by their apparent strength in numbers, the tribals launched a frontal assault on the camp. Soldiers from inside the camp returned fire. Major Junaid and his men had to then fire in self-defence. "This was the biggest case of friendly fire there ever was," said Major Junaid.
At least 50 people died in the confusion before the situation was brought under control. Attracted by gunfire, a huge number of tribals quickly descended on the scene. "In a country of cowards people would usually disperse and hide in their homes upon hearing gunfire?" joked Major Junaid. "But we belong to a martial race. We also had difficulty in identifying who is from the army and who is a tribal - as we are all tall, fair and good-looking."

The tribals wanted a public burial for their fallen men while the army wanted the tribals to arrange funeral for the dead soldiers as well. Tribal elders had to intervene and work out a compromise. They sorted the bodies in two piles, one they named 'Martyrs of Pakistan' and the other 'Martyrs of Islam'. But then the army officers angrily tried to merge both piles saying things like "Pakistan is Islam", "two-nation theory" and "raison d'etre". This led to another clash and at least 50 more people died.

American resident in Islamabad, Janab Richard Holebrook has hailed President Zardari for the incident. "We are not aware of minor details," he said. "But the bottomline is that 100 terrorists are dead, and America is safer because of that. We have to thank President Zardari for this."

Meanwhile, Pakistan's Minister for Interior spokesman Rehman Mallik said that security forces have made significant gains in SWA in the ongoing war on terror. "The army attacked a training camp today and managed to eliminate a number of terrorists," he said. "We have identified at least 100 dead foreign militants from Chechnya and Uzbekistan."

Pakistan is a staunch ally of the United States in the war on terror. Since siding with the United States, Pakistan has handed over more than 500 Al-Qaeda terrorists to coalition forces. The international prestige of Pakistan has been soaring ever since, with a return to Commonwealth, the Major Non-NATO Ally status, liberal aid from the US and loan rescheduling from international donor agencies.