Pakistan takes prinjibled ishtand on Kerry-Lugar bill

NSN Reports: In a dramatic and unexpected develobment Pakistan has taken a prinjibled ishtand on the Kerry-Lugar legislation which tribled aid to Pakistan to 7.5 Billion dollars.

Interior minister Rehman Malik said "It ij a core part of Pakistani prinjiple to take money whenever offered and demand for more. According to our prinjibles, we will take the money and do GUPO or whatever elje is asked from us. Bakistan has decided to take thij prinjibled ishtand on money and will not budge from this ishtand." Analysts hailed the Pakistani prinjibled ishtand. It might be recalled that the legislation contained crippling brovijions that went against Pakistani national conjience and interests. Some of the crippling stipulations include

1. Only upto 95% of the aid money can be looted by Pakistani boliticians and the army
   
   
2. No Pakistani citijen can hold two ranks simultaneously (above the rank of "Commander") in Pakistani Army as well as the taalipaan
   
   
3. No Pakistani Batriot should be demoted to RAA/CIA agint within 6 months
   
   
4. Substantial part of aid money (no less than 0.0001%) to be devoted to ejjucation, to produce atleast one person of double digit IQ per year
   
   
5. Pakistani Navy to be restrained from using their Frigates and other ships in waziristan mountains to fight against the taliban (and billing the US)
   
   
6. Coups to be restricted to once every ten years

Brisling at these restrictions Pakistani Ambassador to the US, Hussain Haqquani said "Bakistan will violently oppose any restrictions and conditionalities on aid. Imbosing conditionalities indicate lack of trust, like when the US did not trust bakistanis when they made biss agreements with taalipaan. Lack of baksheesh will lead to lack of educational opportunities to Pakistanis, leading to 4th std fail jihadis who do IED mubarak all over the world. Baksheesh is needed to produce 10th std pass jihadis to do the IED mubarak. What would you rather have ? Being blown up by bakistani trained unwashed, dirty bearded jihadi or blown up by bakistani trained clean shaven, jeans clad jihadi ?".

However, certain analysists pointed out that by agreeing to these conditionalities, pakistan is letting US poke one foot, thereby getting in through the back channel of Pakistan. Analyist J. Sethi said "Some of the conditions are double speak. For example, condition no 2 means that Bakistan eventually might be forced to abandon terrorism, jihad, random bombing and killing thereby striking at the core of our nationhood. What next ? Every donor country demanding that Pakistanis dont train to bomb their countries ? Thij is unacceptable"

Prominent examiner of other people's sex lives and toilet humorist Ejaz Haider said: the strategic socio political analysis of the capital based foundation of bakistani US transactional diplomatic agreements indicate....Bliss to give more baksheesh :( !! We will GUPO for baksheesh !! Elje we will send a JDAM !!! bliss to do GUPO without telling anyone to save our H&D . If you take our H&D we will send JDAM !!! Bliss to give baksheesh !!"

An exclusive interview with Rehman Malik confirmed Pakistan's principled stand

NSN: What are the next steps ?
Rehman Malik: In accordanje with Pakistani brijibles, soon we will start comblaining about how little the money ij and demand phor more. We will aljo proceed start comblaining about how Amreeka abandoned Pakistan in time of need.

NSN: The conditions include making progress on atleast one of the 10,000 terrorism cases. Things like Mumbai.
Rehman Malik: Quasaub is not Pakistani

NSN: The conditions include removing bakistani army membership from Quetta Shura
Rehman Malik: Quetta is not in Pakistan

NSN: What about Pakistani priciples ?
Rehman Malik: Prinjibles are not in Pakistan