Disbatch from a field reborter

Pealoveds, thank you bhor your kind attenshun. Aj you know so well I waj quickly vakashuned in the last resort of the sheikhs due to konsbiracies of sertain nefarious alements. I have successbhully dephanded the honor of the bhatherland and returned viktorious abhter being bronounced innocant. Not even satan himsalbh could lay a bhinger on the salbh of the chojen beebles.

I am therebhore reborting back to my bost in Beshawar since the Pindi bost haj been already alloted to other corrasbondant.

Here is some internashunal newj bhrom my travels:

1. Pakistan improves its defenses with new alliance: Agency report.

2. New gateways to Europe open, air services proposed: Agency report.

3. Additional awards sought for Dr. AQ Khan for making defenses impregnable: Agency report

Signs point to cosmic manipulation, more investigations needed: Scientists

Signs point to cosmic manipulation, more investigations needed: Scientists
By our correspondent, Information and Culture corner table, NSN

CharasAdda (NSN): Scientists and ulema investigating recent air vacuum formations (see earlier agency report , and agency report ) have pleaded for more resources to expedite their urgent quest for defense against these mysterious happenings.

According to them increased signs of djinns and other alien activity ( agency report ) do no auger well for the future. While not wanting to be quoted, they pointed to the possibility of a foreign hand manipulating the cosmic forces to Pakistan's disadvantage, and stressing the threat to national security such events posed. “It is continuation of what is going on in our tribal areas and across the border in Afghanistan,” Asif Iqbal Daudzai, Information Minister for the North West Frontier Province (NWFP) noted separately when asked to comment.

Ulema rubbished claims of militants and Al-Qaeda being involved in the events. They noted that it is well established that cosmic forces can be manipulated by good and evil sorcerers alike. They pointed to China's plans to create rain during the Olympics as a good use of cosmic manipulation. "Pakistan lacks the resources to model cosmic events, and identify the means to communicate and manipulate the djinns, ghosts and other cosmic energy forces", said Dr Malik Saeed Akhtar Chajra. He noted that while Pakistan lacked the superior computing and analysis tools required that are available with its adversaries, frequent interruptions and meddling by external forces have disrupted the teaching of traditional alternative methods by the ulema. As a result there is a severe shortage of djinn controllers and ghost whisperers in several parts of Pakistan. This shortage is most evident in NWFP, he noted.

Pakistan is a conservative peace loving nation on the front line of the global offensive against terror. Unloved and under-appreciated, Pakistan continues to carry out its obligations and take the fight to the enemy with only minimal supply of helicopters, anti-tank missiles, F-16s, AMRAAMs AIM-9s and other low technology support from its foreign partners, who are too distracted by their domestic politics to play an active role. China is Pakistan's closest friend in its deeper than the sea all weather friendship.

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Charity begins at home

Charitable institutions protected: Judicial Independence restored

The Al-Rasheed Trust run by the virtuous Maulana Masood Azhar receives accolades for its charitable work.

Auntie Shamim cooks up a storm

Malasian Sun

Quote:

slamabad, Apr 28 : Marital lives of a large number of male parliamentarians in Pakistan are said to be on the verge of being ruined because of a book that's been written by a brothel owner in Islamabad, who claims that most of the MNAs were on her client list! The book, to be published by the Oxford University Press, is written by Aunty Shamim, the brothel owner who claims to possess the richest clientele list of this sort in Pakistan. Her clientele includes majority of MNAs, besides senior Army officers and judges. The news of Shamim publishing such a book has given driven down the spine of many such MNAs who fear that their names would be surely included in the book. The gravity of the situation could be gauged from the fact that the MNAs who sit on Treasury benches recently discussed the issue with none other Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz. National Assembly Speaker Chaudhry Amir Hussain was also reportedly present when the matter was discussed at the residence of Nasrullah Khan Dareshak, following a dinner reception. One of the ruling MNAs said that the publication of the book could trigger a large number of divorces with majority of the lawmakers being separated from their wives. "Mr prime minister, there would be at least 200-300 divorces if Aunty Shamim's book gets published," The News quoted him as saying. The lawmakers, who were present on the occasion, noted with concern that the fear of being exposed looms large over the Parliament Lodges that houses the rich clientele of Aunty Shamim. As the discussion by the MNAs was on, the Prime Minister inquired about the whereabouts of Aunty Shamim. "Do you know where Aunty Shamim is right now," he asked his treasury colleagues who turned their heads towards each other, as if they did not know.

Cross Post

SSridhar wrote:

Vely, vely hilarious Quote: Aunty Shamim, the alleged owner of a brothel in Islamabad, has put at stake the future of many “honourable” MPs who fear there would be a string of divorces in case she publishes a book carrying the names of her clients. The gravity of the situation can be gauged from the fact that the treasury parliamentarians have discussed the issue with Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz. National Assembly Speaker Chaudhry Amir Hussain was also present when the matter was discussed at the residence of Nasrullah Khan Dareshak, following a dinner reception the other day. A ruling MP from Sargodha said the publication of the book could trigger a large number of divorces with majority of the lawmakers being separated from their wives. He fears that Aunty Shamim is planning to author a book which would be published by the Oxford University Press. The book would be about her clientele and majority of them, what he fears, are MNAs, senior Army officers and judges. “Mr prime minister, there would be at least 200-300 divorces if Aunty Shamim’s book gets published,” he said. Before making this disclosure, he sought the permission of the National Assembly speaker, saying he wanted to speak on a call attention notice. He also requested the female MPs to leave the place, saying there would be a bit “vulgar discussion” which, propriety demands, should not take place in their presence. A female journalist-turned-lawmaker and spinster from a smaller province, refused to leave the place, not knowing exactly the contents of the “agenda”. So the discussion took place in the presence of the female MPs. The said treasury lawmakers noted with concern that the fear of being exposed looms large over the Parliament Lodges that houses the rich clientele of Aunty Shamim. “Our one colleague may be spared who is not among the clients,” the treasury members said, while mentioning the name of a lawmaker. But that does not mean he is not a “colourful” person. The Sargodah-based MP said this while making observation about the said MP, who has chances of being spared by Aunty Shamim. The Sargodha-based MP said the said MP was also a regular customer of a brothel, but that is relatively cheaper and one night costs him Rs 2,500 because he uses relatively cheaper “stuff”. But the Sargodha-based MP made it clear that he himself was not involved in this business. He, however, said his colleagues shared their reservations and see trouble ahead in case of publication of the book. As the discussion by the honourable MPs was progressing, the prime minister enquired about the whereabouts of Aunty Shamim. “Do you know where Aunty Shamim is right now,” he asked his treasury colleagues who turned their heads towards each other, as if they did not know. In an attempt to involve Chaudhry Shujaat Hussain in the discussion on the matter of “serious” concern, the prime minister said ladies would feel very comfortable and safe in the company of Shujaat. The ruling party leader got the point and raised his hand for seeking permission from Speaker Chaudhry Amir Hussain, who was presiding over the proceedings. As the permission was granted, Shujaat sought clarification from the prime minister as to what exactly he meant? “There are two interpretations of your words. What do you mean?” Shujaat asked the prime minister, who he gave a smile instead of a reply. When this correspondent contacted another MP who also attended the dinner for comments, he said there was no truth in the contents of the proposed book. Such attempts are being made by those who are against democracy and are out to defame members of parliament. He added that once the book is published “we will take the legal course against the author and defend ourselves”.

Music aficionados protest bad quality recordings in Swabi

Music aficionados protest bad quality recordings in Swabi
By our correspondent, Cultural coffee table, NSN

SWABI (NSN): People of the Haryan village carried out a tumultuous protest against poor quality recordings after friday prayers. Terming them dangerous for the young generation, they regretted the lost melodies of Noor jehan, Nusrat fateh Ali and other respected artists. Protest leaders exhorted the audience to beware of the foreign hand that is feeding this cultural poison to the unsuspecting and innocent youth of Pakistan. Maulana Shamsi Khan, Maulana Shakirullah, Maulana Abdullah and President Ittehad-i-Kashthkaran Muhammad Arif lead the people in protest. They were unanimous in decrying piracy from across the border that is destroying the fledgling cottage Pakistani music Industry. Carrying banners and flags, the protesters held hands and sang Noor Jehan songs from the 60s. Later, a bonfire was lit for the enjoyment of the crowd. "This is one of the few ways young people can get together these days and not raise any suspicion", said Alhamidullah, who like most Pakistanis does not really use his name much, and was there with his friend.

Protest meetings are fast becoming social events in conservative Pakistan. Six days ago a noisy air vacuum protest shuttered another CD shop in Shewa Adda, and deterred another three shops. It also sent a clear warning to shop owners to improve their business practices. When contacted about the incident, federal tourism minister Ms.Nilofar Bakhtiar said there were plans to promote all kinds of social gatherings in Pakistan during the "Visit Pakistan 2007" initiative. Protest meetings can be a unique tourist attraction and great foreign exchange earners if only people were more understanding about Pakistani society, she noted.

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A reader laments

If only I could attend. Alas! I can only close my eyes and imagine.

Bakri Beauty Bageant of Bakistan

Quote:

Bakistanis are intimately connected to bakris and they want to preserve this heritage. The importance of this competition is that it helps preserve the pure-breds,” said Sheikh Musharraf.

PEEAF vs. PIA

Peelievers:
1. POPULATION CONTROL IN QUETTA
2. KUFR MULITNATIONAL GILLETTE HQ BLOWN UP
3. PEEAF BEATS PIA SAFETY RECORD

Quote:

The pilot ejaculated safely.—APP

Quote:

"we have experience of crashing foreign jets, InshaA***, we will soon crash our very own JF17 , THANK GOD ONLEE THE PAINT IS MADE IN BAKISTAN"

4. BAKISTAN IT OUTSOURCING HAS BRITTANISTAN WORRIED
5. PIA STRIKES BACK..RIVAL PEEAF IS WORRIED

Minorities and boor receive attenshun

PlasBhemous gets bail

ERA ALLAH YAR-CIA arrest a suspect

while all attention is now turned to:

31 professional beggars arrested

Bliss to inform , is professional bakshish solicitor Shaukat also liable phor arrest?,ij Bakistan running out of innocent minorities that they started arresting brofessional peggars?

Yet more bojitive neuj

BOSITIVE NEWS FOR GOATS: JARNAIL WILL NOT REMOVE "UNIFORM" TILL POLLS

Bliss to appreciyate the bikkchar of gola finger bointing and selecting goat

YET ANOTHER RECORD PHOR BAKISTAN, THIS ONE FOR DRAIN CLEANING

bliss to note drains are kleen in Bakistan as most sewage is at home onlee

BAKISTAN GIVES BAKSHISH TO LEBANON

Aphter reading rebort Japanese empassy has stobbed issuing visa

Quote:

When referring to his visit to Japan, he said that the Japanese people are interested in Islam but the biggest problem over there is that there is no one that can teach Islam to them

I yam taking direct phlight phrom Guantanamo to Tokyo, to make a believer out of Junichiruddin koi-azmi

More bositive neuj

Here is what happened to NSN child reporter who tried to get access to Jamia Hafsa Burqawatis.

Lalmirchi Al Mastani's begum joins Jihad

Stampede at hit movie DVD premier

Youth power

Madrassa students eggjercise their rights in front of the Jamia Hafsa and Jamia Faridia madrassa in Islamabad.


and of course, this is how you need to dress:



if you are ever inclined to raid a brothel. Notice the suptle use of bink color.

Daily does of bositive neuj !

LALMOHAN WINS ROUND 1 AGAINST MUSHARAFF

http://www.dawn.com/2007/04/18/top2.htm

SHARIAT ADALAT EXCRETES INSAAF ;CHILDKILLERS ACQUITTED

http://www.dawn.com/2007/04/18/top11.htm

Many mubaraks to their lawyer ,Asma Jehangir and candle kisser A Roy


4 BROTHERS HANGED FOR SHOWING FAMILY LOVE

http://www.dawn.com/2007/04/18/top12.htm

PAKISTAN HAS INCREDIBLE RESERVES OF PU!

AoA! Great news again.

PAKISTAN HAS INCREDIBLE RESERVES OF PU!


Commenting on an earlier report in YAWN, which has terrified the short dark rice-eating Yindoos into hiding in the small dark places where they eat rice and blend into the darkness, Jarnail (Retreated) Abdul Zamanullah Khan bin Ghori al Faisalabadi clarified that the finding of 1000 sites favorable to Uranium in Bakistan is nothing. He compared that to the finding of over 160,000,000,000,000,000,000 sites known to contain Pu. Also, Jarnail A.Z.K.B.G.A. Faisalabadi stressed that the news report was in error.

Quote:

These kaffirs can't even sbell Urinium brobarly onlee!

said the Jarnail.

PIA PILOT MISTAKES PLANE FOR PET GOAT

---

PIA PILOT MISTAKES PLANE FOR PET GOAT

Quote:

ISLAMABAD, April 14: Two Boeing 777 aircraft of the PIA were damaged in the early hours of Saturday after a wing of one of them clipped the other’s tail before its departure for Islamabad from Karachi airport. The incident, which is being probed by the Safety Investigation Board, led to an exchange of allegations between the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) and Pakistan International Airlines (PIA), with each trying to hold the other responsible. The two aircraft were among the few PIA aircraft allowed to fly to European Union destinations. ... They also disclosed that on Thursday night a major disaster was averted in similar circumstances when PK-370 was being pushed by a tug master. They say the aircraft could have collided with a foreign airliner had it not been pulled back by the tug master. Passengers were sitting in both the aircraft.

Terror in the Air
Banned on the ground
PIA flies thrice weekly to Guantanamo
And crashes weekly at Karachi

BAKISTAN TO RECRUIT BRAVE FAUJI AS OPENING BOWLER. Excellent chucking record cited.

Great News!

BAKISTAN TO RECRUIT BRAVE FAUJI AS OPENING BOWLER. Excellent chucking record cited.

World Cricket Champions Bakistan are negotiating with Col. (Retreated) Anwar Khan Afridi to take up the opening chucker position on the world-famous Bakistani Cricket Team.

In a report filed on Saturdin, April 14, 2007, Amir Mir reports from Islamabad about Col. Afridi's awesome record:

Quote:

While protesting in an anti-Musharraf rally on April 4 in Islamabad, Col (retd) Anwar Khan Afridi literally hurled six medals he had won during his long service from 1970 to 1998, including those he had won for showing bravery during the 1971 war with India, towards the Presidency. Afridi said that he won’t budge from his stance come what may. “I am a true soldier of Pakistan Army unlike Musharraf and would continue my struggle till the reinstatement of the chief justice and the removal of Musharraf from power,” he added. Anwar Afridi, who has four kids, and a wife, has already announced returning his army pension of two plots of land and $313 a month. The target of his angry gesture is his own commander-in-chief, General Musharraf, who faces the most serious challenge to his eight-year rule, following his March 9 decision to suspend the chief justice of Supreme Court on flimsy charges of misconduct. Anwar Afridi got his right hand fractured on April 7 in Lahore while taking part in an anti-Musharraf lawyers convention which was attacked by the Punjab police.

The Pakistan International Sports Institute is actively trying to recruit Col. Afridi.

Quote:

Afridi says that the ISI was hounding him and his family to retract his decision before the next hearing of the presidential reference against the apex court chief justice on April 18. He said after their failure to ‘persuade’ him, the operatives of the intelligence agency had gone to his native village to pressurise his parents, who now fear for their life.

There is no word on when Gen. (retreating) Musharraf might accept the job of Opening Batsman.

Bakistan get world cup award

PAKISTAN ADJUDGED HOLIEST TEAM AT WORLD CUP

Mijjile bolishing exercises

PEEAF POLISHES MISSILES LIVE IN EXERCISE
http://www.dawn.com/2007/04/17/top18.htm

Quote:

ISLUMABAD, April 1: A three-din live missile polishing exercise conducted by Pakistan Air Farts comcluded successfully at Sonmiani kotah range on Mondin. All types of fighter's and mujahideen's surface-to-rear missile units of PEEAF participated in the exercise. Various types of a-to-a and surface-to-rear missiles were successfully employed , displayed and polished by the combat pilots and their controllers. The missile firing camp-2007 was witnessed by Chief of the Air Slush Air Thief Marshal Tanvir Mahmood Ahmed and a large number of senior officers of the three services including all rear Admirals A large number of goats also participated and were used for target practice for the new heat seeking rear homing missiles , once all the goats were exhausted the air mujahideen homed in on each other. The exercise concluded with a pledge to include three dimensional thrust vectoring in the next round of exercises which will also involve the ail folce of sweeter than honey fliend China —APP