Begging Bowl Inscription Brawl
NSN NIBS (Islamabad): NSN News in Briefs reports that the debate over inscriptions on the official Begging Bowl has now turned ugly, with parties openly accusing each other of not "having Pakistan's best interests at heart". GHQ Pindi-ISI, which has staunchly stood by the existing "Allah Hu Akbar" inscription on the Bowl, has pooh-poohed Mulk-e-Watan Pakistan Inc.'s cries for the more secular inscription "Help Pakistan, Help The World" as an "abominable sell out of the principles on which Pakistan stands. [NSN Notes: Pakistan's founding principles are Islam, Muslims, Win at all costs, Lie if you lost, Eat grass but laugh at grass-eaters, Money is like runs in a one-day match: as long as the dollars come, it does not matter how they come].
The President General was livid when asked in a press conference about MWP's demand. "You cannot take Allah out of Pakistan, Watan and its so-called secular demand can go [NSN regrets] itself" a visibly furious Pervez Musharraf said. Mian Shaukat Amrikeez, the MWP spokesman, has replied, "Mulk-e-Watan Pakistan does not believe that highlighting Pakistan's place as a central player in today's world is a sin. If it is, may Allah cast me into hell. It is for the Almighty to decide, who gave General Sahib the right to judge?"
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Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
NSN Tubelights of Pakistan Series
NSN Tubelights of Pakistan Series
We note the photo of a Markhor Goat (Fleece Be Upon It) has been published by our Roving Reporter Rishi. This highlights the patent dispute by Professor Emirate Mohammed Jo-Metr'uddin, who claimed that the Archimedes Screw was invented by early Pakistanis, and is even depicted in Harappan caves. "You tell me, how could some Greek Kafir invent it? Just look at our National Animal. 7,200 years ago, Pakistanis said: 'Goat-screw-goat-screw'...and after looking at a Markhor nearby, said, "W'allah, violin". The Professor added, "Who can dispute that? Bismillah, I will dispute him onlee.."
We note the photo of a Markhor Goat (Fleece Be Upon It) has been published by our Roving Reporter Rishi. This highlights the patent dispute by Professor Emirate Mohammed Jo-Metr'uddin, who claimed that the Archimedes Screw was invented by early Pakistanis, and is even depicted in Harappan caves. "You tell me, how could some Greek Kafir invent it? Just look at our National Animal. 7,200 years ago, Pakistanis said: 'Goat-screw-goat-screw'...and after looking at a Markhor nearby, said, "W'allah, violin". The Professor added, "Who can dispute that? Bismillah, I will dispute him onlee.."
A latter about goats
| Sadler wrote: |
| For NSN, a question. Very curious to know how NSN came about to discover the porki-goat connection?? Was it something that was widely known within the kuffar (or as the kuffar call it, Indian) subcontinent?? Or is this a more recent development? Some moderate enlightenment is requested. |
diyar sadler-ji,
(rhymes with sardar-ji which give me shuddering phileeing becuj of general arora ephect of 1971)
goat (PBUH) lovin ij not indian sub-continence related it ij in-continence related,
when dry land peepul like narth-west phantier province hab no phud, they rejort to potato god called batata allah (PBUH),
then some poor peepul think batata god (allah) is goat becuj batata+gawd = goat, dhat ij how goat lovin waj invented, some call him God but it ij really goat, some paki lovej goat some paki lovej god, in actual reality dher is no difference of performans
some paki lovej goat more then hij wife, becuj paki wife complain and cook bad food that givej in-continence so husband lovj goat more and wife doej revenge killing of the goat on eid mubarak
i hopes that sadler-ji fully understanding me aj i am new reporter on NSN onlee
honororee NSN reporter
mukhtar bhai pao-bhajiwala
A Bikchure is worth 100,000 words
he Markhor is the Offishul Bakistani Nashnul Animal. It is a fundamental duty of ebery Baki to love his Ma-rkhor...
I am hornee phor Baaaakistaaan... 400% onlee
I am hornee phor Baaaakistaaan... 400% onlee
Friday, January 26, 2007
NSN Past: His Most Exalted Voice
NSN Past: His Most Exalted Voice
On this most honoured and dignified occasion, NSN brings you a brief clippet from an interview conducted more than year ago, in which the President General laid out his views on the Pakistani Constitution.
HMEHPPGPM: Before the Founders found the Constitution, we Pakistanis were like a herd of goats: wandering, wandering, wandering. But now we wander no more. I believe the Founders found the Constitution while they were wandering.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NSN Annual All News Outlets Mandatory Advertisement
Ad Liberty. Farternity. Twice the Equality.
"The press shall always be free, but payment is needed for laundry and dry-cleaning."
Qaid-e-Azam, Speech justifying the Taxila Textile Tax Bakr'i-jummah, 3-14-72.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On this most honoured and dignified occasion, NSN brings you a brief clippet from an interview conducted more than year ago, in which the President General laid out his views on the Pakistani Constitution.
HMEHPPGPM: Before the Founders found the Constitution, we Pakistanis were like a herd of goats: wandering, wandering, wandering. But now we wander no more. I believe the Founders found the Constitution while they were wandering.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NSN Annual All News Outlets Mandatory Advertisement
Ad Liberty. Farternity. Twice the Equality.
"The press shall always be free, but payment is needed for laundry and dry-cleaning."
Qaid-e-Azam, Speech justifying the Taxila Textile Tax Bakr'i-jummah, 3-14-72.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Rumours will be drowned mercilessly
Rumours will be drowned mercilessly
NSN (Islamabad): The President General invited us for an interview to deal with "rumours floating around GHQ that Pakistan can carry on without the CEO".
NSN: Thank you once again, Sir..
HMEHPPGPM: Yes, yes..I especially wanted your news service to get this... Thank you for specializing my obligation..
NSN: We are honoured to be of assistance, Sir.
HMEHPPGPM: And I am honoured to assist you in assisting me...
See, of late I have heard certain murmurs in deep in Pakistan. Some say this, some say that..I say, "enough!" Worthless people who know nothing about strategy, even less about geology, are dreaming big dreams of running Pakistan without me. My own appointees, mind you. My own appointees. I would like to say, as they do in Mianwali, "hamari bakri humse myeh!" [NSN Note: "My own goat bleating at me!" This is one of the rare instances the President General used Urdu with NSN].
Alas, what do these people know about steering and guiding the ship of Pakistan! What do they know about the sacrifices I have ficed for the country? Dig a few inches, three of four inches, into the soil of this beautiful country, and you will smell the blood of Musharraf. I have regularly irrigated and rigged this country. It is mine, I want everyone to hear, at the top of their ears: It is mine.
I will not tolerate rumour floaters. The rumours will be drowned mercilessly, because the laser of Musharraf's love for Pakistan will puncture their flotation devices. Everyone will know this: that Pakistan runs because of Musharraf. Without me, Pakistan is not worth the paper it is written on.
I mean, do not make me laugh. I mean, can anyone come close to me as far as Pakistan is concerned? I say to you, let us not talk about my other experteses. Just Pakistan. Can anyone come close to me? Well, some have come close, just to satisfy themselves, that Musharraf is indeed CEO Number One. And they have left satisfied.
Well, I could go on and on about how I am totally revolved in every faucet of Pakistan..not a drop of water flows without me..but I will not. The Qaid said, "The wise man knows how wise he is; if he does not know, he is a fool. For a fool can never fool the wise, though both can watch the sunrise".
NSN: The Qaid was indeed a wise man, Sir.
HMEHPPGPM: Yes, but not because you or I say so. He was wise because he said so. Anyway, now I need go and inculcate my wisdom. I will take your leave.
NSN: Thank you, Sir. Good day.
HMEHPPGPM: And better night.
This is AshishN, NSN.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Praise for Jumair Qureshi's "...Sold...To the Lady in Green"
"...Sold...To the Lady in Green" will revolutionize your mind.
--Karachi Kisse-Khabrein
Jumeir Qureshi has woven his magic again for you!
We give it four stars and two moons.
--Frontier Tears Drama Review
Riveting and accidental.
--Cyber Khyber Life
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If it is not in us, just tell us (Patent Pindi)
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NSN (Islamabad): The President General invited us for an interview to deal with "rumours floating around GHQ that Pakistan can carry on without the CEO".
NSN: Thank you once again, Sir..
HMEHPPGPM: Yes, yes..I especially wanted your news service to get this... Thank you for specializing my obligation..
NSN: We are honoured to be of assistance, Sir.
HMEHPPGPM: And I am honoured to assist you in assisting me...
See, of late I have heard certain murmurs in deep in Pakistan. Some say this, some say that..I say, "enough!" Worthless people who know nothing about strategy, even less about geology, are dreaming big dreams of running Pakistan without me. My own appointees, mind you. My own appointees. I would like to say, as they do in Mianwali, "hamari bakri humse myeh!" [NSN Note: "My own goat bleating at me!" This is one of the rare instances the President General used Urdu with NSN].
Alas, what do these people know about steering and guiding the ship of Pakistan! What do they know about the sacrifices I have ficed for the country? Dig a few inches, three of four inches, into the soil of this beautiful country, and you will smell the blood of Musharraf. I have regularly irrigated and rigged this country. It is mine, I want everyone to hear, at the top of their ears: It is mine.
I will not tolerate rumour floaters. The rumours will be drowned mercilessly, because the laser of Musharraf's love for Pakistan will puncture their flotation devices. Everyone will know this: that Pakistan runs because of Musharraf. Without me, Pakistan is not worth the paper it is written on.
I mean, do not make me laugh. I mean, can anyone come close to me as far as Pakistan is concerned? I say to you, let us not talk about my other experteses. Just Pakistan. Can anyone come close to me? Well, some have come close, just to satisfy themselves, that Musharraf is indeed CEO Number One. And they have left satisfied.
Well, I could go on and on about how I am totally revolved in every faucet of Pakistan..not a drop of water flows without me..but I will not. The Qaid said, "The wise man knows how wise he is; if he does not know, he is a fool. For a fool can never fool the wise, though both can watch the sunrise".
NSN: The Qaid was indeed a wise man, Sir.
HMEHPPGPM: Yes, but not because you or I say so. He was wise because he said so. Anyway, now I need go and inculcate my wisdom. I will take your leave.
NSN: Thank you, Sir. Good day.
HMEHPPGPM: And better night.
This is AshishN, NSN.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[NSN paid advertisement]
Praise for Jumair Qureshi's "...Sold...To the Lady in Green"
"...Sold...To the Lady in Green" will revolutionize your mind.
--Karachi Kisse-Khabrein
Jumeir Qureshi has woven his magic again for you!
We give it four stars and two moons.
--Frontier Tears Drama Review
Riveting and accidental.
--Cyber Khyber Life
Fauji Inayat-Nazaakat Bookstores
If it is not in us, just tell us (Patent Pindi)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, January 19, 2007
Our reborters find HMEHPPGPM
Pakistan will always hold its own
NSN (Islamabad): We were exceedingly delighted to be invited once again to the diligently manicured lawns of the Presidental Grounds. This time we had asked the President General for his views on his order to Mullahs not to criticize him, although Pakistan is founded on Islam, and Islam, on Mullahs.
NSN: Greetings, Sir!
HMEHPPGPM: Yes, sister-in-law's cousin's bithday, I remember. Already posted it. How do you know all these things, hain? Do you have a prescription for the Greenberry?
NSN: No, Sir, I just meant, "hello".
HMEHPPGPM: Then you should, as I have said, say what you mean and mean what you say. In fact, in rural Pakistan, the fierce but hospitable Tabak-Jurrw'aql tribe says, "Do not send greetings if you do not intend to greet, do not arrange meetings if you don't intend to meet, because for every cup of tea, there has to be a biscuit".
NSN: Subhan Allah, Sir.
HMEHPPGPM: Yes, I will convey your reciprocations to the Tabak.
Anyway, you were asking on the phone why I have told mullahs to not talk against me, while, as you point out, Pakistan is based on Islam. Yes, mullahs certainly, I would say, are the ballheads of Islam. But they are only religious people. They will tell you how to reach heaven, how to maximize your rewards in heaven, how to punish those who deserve to be punished, and why they deserve to be punished, you know,.. all these deep, spri-chwal metachemical, philosophical things..but what to they know about running a country? Zero. Zipcode 90210...Turbo, I have to say, let your experienced CEO do it! I..
NSN: Sir, I think you mean "ergo", not "turbo"..
HMEHPPGPM: Eh? What is "ergo"? I was reading the brochure which accompanied the computer chairs in the new General's Lounge VI in GHQ, and I think I came across that word..
NSN: Sir, that would be "ergonomical". Good for your posture..
HMEHPPGPH: See, that is why I hate this English language. Such a profusion of confusion. Give me my 400% Pindigenous Urdu anytime and everytime.
And there is nothing wrong with my posture. I am always open to new analysis, I never have a rigid stance on anything. No, we are very well positioned geo-strategically; in that field, Pakistan will always hold its own against any adversary.
What I am concerned about is the socio-political environment. And that is where the Mullahs come in. After they come in, I tell them, look, do not mess up the geo-strategic situation that i have managed to acquire for Pakistan. I have had to work hard. I have missed many Friday night Qawwali Mehfils to fight for our current stability on various fronts, and even on the backside. Financially, Pakistan is secure, thanks to me. Militarily, it is securer, thanks to me. And geo-stategically, we are securest, thanks to me.
So I tell them, do not meddle in the affairs of the state. Let there be a separation between the Mosque and the State. This is not Britain, hain?
In other words, there are no other words to say this: we...Excuse me, Greenberry....Yes? Yes? Already? That is good news indeed. How many?... Praise Allah! What colour are they?.... Are they mine?... Yes, yes, that's exactly what I mean..OK..I'm coming..don't do anything to scare them..
Well, got to run..bye.
NSN: Good day, Sir, and thank you.
This is NSN.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[NSN paid avertisement]
The Pakistan Army: How the Indian Nose was Bloodied
in 1948, 1965, 1971, and 1999.
Gen. (Retd.) Mohammad F. Ret'uddeen
Declassified:
1953, 1969, 1973, 1997: Wars we won but did not tell you about.
Gen. (Retd.) Dilkhush Diklhaas Fail'uddeen
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Buy one get one free OR but two pay for one.
Fauji Qaid-e-Mirch Bookstores
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NSN (Islamabad): We were exceedingly delighted to be invited once again to the diligently manicured lawns of the Presidental Grounds. This time we had asked the President General for his views on his order to Mullahs not to criticize him, although Pakistan is founded on Islam, and Islam, on Mullahs.
NSN: Greetings, Sir!
HMEHPPGPM: Yes, sister-in-law's cousin's bithday, I remember. Already posted it. How do you know all these things, hain? Do you have a prescription for the Greenberry?
NSN: No, Sir, I just meant, "hello".
HMEHPPGPM: Then you should, as I have said, say what you mean and mean what you say. In fact, in rural Pakistan, the fierce but hospitable Tabak-Jurrw'aql tribe says, "Do not send greetings if you do not intend to greet, do not arrange meetings if you don't intend to meet, because for every cup of tea, there has to be a biscuit".
NSN: Subhan Allah, Sir.
HMEHPPGPM: Yes, I will convey your reciprocations to the Tabak.
Anyway, you were asking on the phone why I have told mullahs to not talk against me, while, as you point out, Pakistan is based on Islam. Yes, mullahs certainly, I would say, are the ballheads of Islam. But they are only religious people. They will tell you how to reach heaven, how to maximize your rewards in heaven, how to punish those who deserve to be punished, and why they deserve to be punished, you know,.. all these deep, spri-chwal metachemical, philosophical things..but what to they know about running a country? Zero. Zipcode 90210...Turbo, I have to say, let your experienced CEO do it! I..
NSN: Sir, I think you mean "ergo", not "turbo"..
HMEHPPGPM: Eh? What is "ergo"? I was reading the brochure which accompanied the computer chairs in the new General's Lounge VI in GHQ, and I think I came across that word..
NSN: Sir, that would be "ergonomical". Good for your posture..
HMEHPPGPH: See, that is why I hate this English language. Such a profusion of confusion. Give me my 400% Pindigenous Urdu anytime and everytime.
And there is nothing wrong with my posture. I am always open to new analysis, I never have a rigid stance on anything. No, we are very well positioned geo-strategically; in that field, Pakistan will always hold its own against any adversary.
What I am concerned about is the socio-political environment. And that is where the Mullahs come in. After they come in, I tell them, look, do not mess up the geo-strategic situation that i have managed to acquire for Pakistan. I have had to work hard. I have missed many Friday night Qawwali Mehfils to fight for our current stability on various fronts, and even on the backside. Financially, Pakistan is secure, thanks to me. Militarily, it is securer, thanks to me. And geo-stategically, we are securest, thanks to me.
So I tell them, do not meddle in the affairs of the state. Let there be a separation between the Mosque and the State. This is not Britain, hain?
In other words, there are no other words to say this: we...Excuse me, Greenberry....Yes? Yes? Already? That is good news indeed. How many?... Praise Allah! What colour are they?.... Are they mine?... Yes, yes, that's exactly what I mean..OK..I'm coming..don't do anything to scare them..
Well, got to run..bye.
NSN: Good day, Sir, and thank you.
This is NSN.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[NSN paid avertisement]
The Pakistan Army: How the Indian Nose was Bloodied
in 1948, 1965, 1971, and 1999.
Gen. (Retd.) Mohammad F. Ret'uddeen
Declassified:
1953, 1969, 1973, 1997: Wars we won but did not tell you about.
Gen. (Retd.) Dilkhush Diklhaas Fail'uddeen
Choose from out great schemes:
Buy one get one free OR but two pay for one.
Fauji Qaid-e-Mirch Bookstores
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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