Women are omnipotent !!

and the kendo sticks are to aid in preparation for the sport to be added as a demonstration sport in the next asian games.

Hands Off Auntie Shamim

Hands Off Auntie Shamim

Islamabad 29 March (NSN): President General Musharraf today addressed the gathered international media and said that he believed that a totally hands off policy is required to deal with the issue of recent disturbances concerning a local girls madrassah and one "Auntie Shamim", the matron of an alternative girls dormitory, whom they were alleged to have kidnapped.

"I think we should all get our hands off this whole issue and let the agitation reach its own natural conclusion" the President said, as newsmen grew excited at the sight of baton wielding burkha clad young women students.

"They are practising kendo anyway... nothing to do with any auntie-shantie..." said Iqbal Maqbool, a local police inspector, on condition of anonymity. The inspector denied knowing Auntie Shamim or where she lived, other than for purely professional reasons.

The lady identified as Auntie Shamim said "Its not right to be dragged through the streets like a dog, we can provide suitable services in the privacy of the dormitory... at very reasonable rates" she smiled coyly adding, "we always look after our khaas mehman"

Asked if the president's hands off policy was effective, she said "The President's hands are very welcome in our house, I am sure that we can provide hands of our own that will soothe his troubled brow and take away his tensions..."

Local resident Maulana Rafiq Khatmat al Arabi said that the kendo practising students had been quietly exercising their inalienable rights to gather in a public place and gently persuading others that their point of view was right whilst giving playful slaps and blows. It was a beautiful and spiritual experience. He denied all knowledge of Auntie's dormitory, however some of the residents exiting it smiled and waved at the Maulana as they passed our reporter on the street.

NSN tried to get access to the alleged dormitory but our reporter was told to first try the adjoining goat shed since no one was available for interview.

This is NSN
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Music on trains

Train Entertained by Loud Rock Music

Quote:

QUETTA, March 27: Quetta’s rail link with the rest of the country was improved for several hours after a loud music celebration on the main track in Sariab area on Tuesday morning. Railways authorities said that an improving musical device placed under the track near Darkhashan area of Sariab went off at 6:40am. It was a locally made device which improved two feet of the track, said a senior railways official. He said that all trains were suspended. The Chiltan Express that was about to leave for Lahore was stopped and trains coming from Karachi and Rawalpindi were halted at different stations for people to celebrate. Train service was restored later after people stopped celebrating.

Bakistani forces are universally admired

CNN publishes bicchar admiring Bakistan Faujis


Caption:

Quote:

Pakistani army soldiers run during a drill in Miranshah, the main North Waziristan town along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.

Popular slogan by the protesters in Lahore.. (heard today)

Quote:

Saanp aur pakistan fauj, jahan meelay maar do

(Wherever/whenever you see a snake or Paki Army - Kill it right away)

And right there to clarify Saanp aur pfauj

An algepra rebort by a student to a teacher

Mosht pious and pak Lalmajid al Numeri,

I shall neber again comitt mishtake of challanging the truth. Butt unphortunately, a tragedy has occured... as I was trying to smuggle some goats phor yoo through the kaffir built Ishlam-bad aaiyar-port... well, joo reed for jourself...

Quote:

ROOSTERS: A Binori Madrassah Institute of Higher Mathematics student was arrested today at Ishlam-bad International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator and some goats. Following standard practise, he was sold to the United States for $0.72 at the 'miscreant exchange' of Karachi. Upon his arrival in the United States, at a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious “Al-gebra Movement”. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of “Math Instruction”. ” Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Gonzales said. “They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country." As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle.” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their plane on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

Iee shall be phree on baand soon... Iee will be late for klaas tomorow. Pleej be merciful as the angels in the 7th dimension of the 4th cloud of the 5th heaven...

Biz-Moolah err Rayban irr Robin.

News reporting from THE resort

As you know, I have resantly travelled to the resort on the bay, lokashun undisklosed. Whan I waj leaving, the PeeAreEbh jirga waj deciding the bhate of our peloved bositive neuz thrad.

It is satisbhactory that the thrad was menshuned onlee honorably in jirga, and yeditors were not required to pass water for tast or bhire tast to brove anything. I am shtil dishartned by the skatering ebhekt this haj had on the bhaitbhul. May the almost-mighty have mercy and restore the eyditars, reborters to bhull strangth again soon.

Bray also bhor an arly and two my vakation in the resort. The managemant haj allowed me onlee limited priviliges, aj you all kan understand.

Meanwhile there ij bositive neuz:

1. Conservative Culture on Display: Hundreds participate in lively discussion

2. Baloch claim separate cultural identity: festivities in progress

3. Komplex approaches needed to protect against cultural invasion

4. Moderation demontrated at local event: better press coverage of local events demanded

5. Batter work opportunities for women in pakistan : UN representative expertise shown ,

and last but most,

6. Canadian visa application forms requested: eligibility acquisition soon

There has been very little enlightenment recently, mostly because of all the noise made by liars (clearly miscreants) trying to project pakistan in bad light. Hopefully, this will not set a precedent for media to spend its time and focus on such frivolous happenings.

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NSN
Moderation, and enlightenment: when you have it, why not display it?
World reknowned name in positive newz
(now with reporters phoren returned, at THE resort, and resort returned and bawshten returned)

P-english now an official language in pritainistan

Eat ur dils out, PeeAref Jirga!

Quote:

PINGLISH ONLEE HOBE TO SAVE LONDONISTAN- Brestijiuj Pritish Think Tank

Quote:

"Angreji can no longer be dekh as a single language, but more as a phamily of languages," said Sam Jones, co-author of the rebort.

Quote:

The rebort said that instead of naughty, bubils could be told to stop being a badmash and canteens might advertise machi-chips and Roh Afza besides the conventional description of fish and chips and ale

NSN reports:

Quote:

7 people were wounded, 8 of them critically, during the celebrations in Lahore and Peshawar upon the release of this report. Police attributed most of the injuries to bullets falling from space, after the gentle folk fired into the air

Moderate Enlightenment

PAKISTAN ENLIGHTENS MISSILE IN SUCCESSFUL OPERATIONAL TEST

Bakistan: A vibrant democracy

We have a vibrant democracy
Islamabad 14 March NSN:

Spokesman for the Government (on condition of anonimity) today spoke glowingly of the healthy state of democracy and the freedom of speech in Pakistan. He cited the recent lawyers march as a prime example.

"You see, they are free to agitate in public. Normally Pakistanis like to agitate in private, especially when it involves Mariah Mohten!" said the spokesman excitedly.

He went on to add - "What is more, you saw men and women participating together, openly, many times touching each other, sometimes quite intimately. What country can claim this?"

When asked about police action and damage to cars and images of lawyers clad in gowns standing in revolutionary poses on cars, he said "It is like your western rock concerts - there is always some rioting no? Then lots of youngsters in cult fashion clothing in black make poses and run around with the police!"

Spokesmen for the police could not confirm if any arrests had been made, however NSN journalists had to rapidly withdraw from any further questions of police sources since they also began to get rather agitated.

The Government spokesman ended with the comment "are we not truly enlightened? Are we not extremely moderate?"

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This is NSN, before the deluge, ahead of the wave
Pakistan Islamic Values (PIV) positive

A fine example of good governance

Law minister couldn’t help praising on VoA

Quote:

ISLAMABAD: Federal Law Minister Wasi Zafar repeatedly hurled naked abuse in a live Voice of America (VoA) radio discussion on chief justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry's deposition, which was heard worldwide on Monday night. There were three participants in the telephonic discussion — Wasi Zafar, constitutional expert Chaudhry Aitzaz Ahsan and Ansar Abbasi, Editor Investigations, The News, Islamabad. Ansar joined the talk a bit late and said he fears to say anything because of Wasi Zafar's peculiar temperament and track record. As he uttered these remarks, the law minister came in and said whoever gives him a "big arm", he would do the same to his family. As Wasi Zafar heard Ansar joining the programme, he lost his cool and started hurling abuse. He was angered because of a story headlined "Law minister facing long arm of the law" that Ansar had filed and was published in The News on August 13, 2005. It said the prime minister and Chaudhry Shujaat Hussain would decide the fate of the law minister for his son's thrashing of a PIA passenger in his presence at the Karachi airport. Earlier in the programme, Aitzaz Ahsan had also threatened to break off due to the foul language of the law minister. But he was persuaded by the host to continue. Ansar regretted the repetition of the abuse by Wasi Zafar and said the world was listening to the kind of language the minister was using. A caller from Pishin, Naeem Taseer, also wondered what question should be asked from this kind of a minister. Later, Wasi Zafar vehemently denied on Geo that he hurled any abuse on the VoA programme. However, the audio played by the TV network gave a lie to his assertion. The minister again poured his anger on Ansar, saying he was corrupt and a blackmailer, who gets money for his stories. In the same programme, Ansar said there was a serious problem in the minister's personality. He said the high-ups should take notice of such buffoons who are bringing a bad name to Pakistan. The other day, the Jaranwala Bar Association cancelled Wasi Zafar's basic membership and recommended to the Pakistan Bar Council that his licence should be revoked. Wasi Zafar earned notoriety when he threatened a chairman of the Capital Development Authority, who had refused to give a concession to him regarding an industrial plot. He and his sons had also thrashed a person at the Karachi airport in 2005, who objected to the minister's sons jumping the queue. Later, he slapped a waiter of a five-star hotel in Islamabad over a trivial matter.

Iran Pakistan India pipeline proven feasible

we are led to believe that Iran Pakistan India pipeline is feasible..

Code:

QUETTA, March 12: A gas pipeline was blown up near Jinnah town here on Monday, disrupting supply to many areas for several hours. A portion of the 6-inch diameter pipeline was blown up as an explosive device planted under the pipeline went off at 10:45am, said police.

http://www.dawn.com/2007/03/13/top11.htm

Someone gets a bright idea (not that we support it)

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Enlightened Education

Lahaul Vila Quvvat. Bositive image brojected. Theje beeble wants to but NSN out of pusiness or something: Madressahs only imbart moderately enlightened edukashion .

Leaving no scobe for NSN, nun et al. Along with habbenings of Bislamabad on the front bage, somone sure wants Down to have a syndrome of losing its license.
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NSN: At the forefront of bositive image brojection.
Advertise with NSN, only source of moderately enlightened news to the world.

Enlightened Education

Lahaul Vila Quvvat. Bositive image brojected. Theje beeble wants to but NSN out of pusiness or something: Madressahs only imbart moderately enlightened edukashion .

Leaving no scobe for NSN, nun et al. Along with habbenings of Bislamabad on the front bage, somone sure wants Down to have a syndrome of losing its license.
-------------------------------
NSN: At the forefront of bositive image brojection.
Advertise with NSN, only source of moderately enlightened news to the world.

NSN reborters squirm at media control attempts

Ahem, all this under-reporting, not befitting the glorious standards of the news agency, not at all. Is it any wonder the jop abblikation is still pindi?

With due apologies to the infrastructure improvement workers: daily improvement of infrastructure accomplished, .

What with even the US soldiers deleting images off digital camera, fair reporting is vanishing fast.

And Phrom ur Krachi Kraspondant: MORE Rail Improvement

Quote:

(Improvement) (renovates) rail track By Our Correspondent QUETTA, March 9: A portion of the railway track between Quetta and Chaman, near the Killi Alamo suburb of the city, was (improved). An (improving) device planted under the tracks (improved) at about 9pm, (renovating) about 18 inches of the tracks. A source at the Pakistan Railways said that only one passenger train runs daily between Quetta and Chaman during the morning. He said that the repair work would be completed soon.